Ever Since.

Ever since that one meeting, things haven't been the same. Ever since that one exchange of smiles and a few glances, things haven't been the same. Ever since that one sharing of meal together, things haven't been the same. Ever since that one ride together, things haven't been the same. Ever since the shedding of tears and wiping them off, things haven't been the same. Ever since that insight of faith, things haven't been the same. Ever since the ever since, nothing have been the same. Her scars had grown deeper now, and her heart pounded harder than ever, her bones were weaker and her skin all pale. She didn't seem to care though, she was lost in the ever since. The ever since, that made her forget about the person she was. The ever since that took her everything. The only thing it left in her, was her. The her she had to search for, the her she had been waiting for to come out of the dark depths of distress and into release. What was left of her was lost in the woods where the night spooked and the day never arose. Where the thorns grew and grew and grew. Where it was long elapsed how a flower blooms. The only thing she could pour out was gloom. However, she never wanted this. She never wanted to lose herself, she wanted change, but not the change the 'ever since' had brought her…

And then one terrifying night, her eyes illuminated. She stared at the sky blankly, feeling the warmth of radiance in her eyes. The warmth that travelled into her bones and to her heart. The warmth that she needed to find her. The feeling of yearning and waiting was now seeming to get past. The slug like thorns tied around her feet, grew sturdier and harsher. The night went creepier, the day hid behind the clouds with terror. She watched the sky again, rather with a sense of deceit. The sense of betrayal. But the warmth had filled her eyes, and it was still there. So she played her chances and gave it a try. With the weapons of courage and sanguinity, she cuts the thorns into pieces and stands up for the first time. With her one step forward, the ever since plays itself in sequence. She's taken back once again, the sequence screams and screeches its beauty into her eyes and mind. But she's up and about now, first step taken towards the finding of her. She could let the ever since take control yet she takes a good look at the scars, the catastrophic memories, the calamity the ever since had caused, and she looks beyond the layered, over grown trees of mourning, and finds the day coming out once more. And this is when she comprehends, it's not the day crushing the creepy night, it's not the light illuminating her eyes, it’s not the warmth she felt earlier. It's her. The her she had lost, is found now.

The Set Up.

The real horrors of life are revealed in the junctures when we are growing up. Growing up isn't easy. The easy life when we depended on others seems to be twisting and curling changing its shape into something we don't want ourselves to get into. The phase where everything our eyes see is beautiful except for us. We enter the chapter where we are making choices every second. Choosing what to wear, what to eat, how to talk, whether to be mature or not. We are finally heading into the phase where the ropes tied to us and to the back of the car, running smooth till now are cut. We are on our own. And this is when we are brought to a stage where nothing really makes any sense. It's the place where we fail to recall who we were and we're entirely altered. We have friends who weren't there four years ago, we have a growing family, and we have somebody to love. Things keep varying and no matter how much we tell ourselves that nothing can change us, we do change. Or maybe the change that we feel in ourselves is simply an adaptation to the different situations we are put in. Changes aren't easy, at first. But then we learn how to live with them. And once we see the stop right ahead of us, something new takes place and it's a whole new journey now. The vehicles we travel in might keep changing. From a bicycle to a foxy, a Mercedes to a tractor, it may one day become a scooter, perhaps a pair of skates. What never modifies is the road we are on. It's just one road that has all the surprises, shocks, horrors, misgivings, happiness, joy, love, darkness, light, hope, anticipation, bliss, and every other thing that we expect to feel, what we do feel. The road never changes, it's the same long road and we are the travellers. Some of us are unaccompanied, some are alone and some of us are promised. Our goals are different, our means are diverse but the road we are on, it's the same. We may experience our ups and downs exactly at the time when the person next to us is travelling in calm and quiet, we may feel in that fraction of moment that we are the less blessed ones given the high road full of slumps, but later we are only to find our ways turning into a suave path when that very person next to us has slumps in waiting. We are oblivious of what we are destined for.

We should not think about our future bringing the worse for us, what we should do is wait for the time to do its job. There's a reason why everything is the way it is, but we humans, we are built with overpowering curiosity to find out things before they've happened. It's for sure electrifying to know what the future has in store, but the real beauty lies in the making. It's hard, but it's worth it. It isn't that, while we wait we should put our hands off of the entirety of our living, we shouldn't. We should live in the moment; see the sites in our way on the journey that's called life. Cherish every second of it, live it. If we keep busy in digging up what's in the mass, we might only find an end to everything. So yes, digging up is exciting, thrilling, but the commendable thing, is hope. Hope for good, hope for betterment, hope for release. It sure is the hard way, but it's the only way. There's no easy way ever. The easy way is only a set up. So whatever we do and acquire on the journey, do it the hard way. Win someone over; the hard way. Help someone find themselves, help someone build themselves; help others, that's the only way we can help ourselves. And not to lie, all we really need to do is help ourselves. 

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

-Drake.

Lifeless.

Life is full of irony. In fact, life itself is ironic. In literal terms, it means the existence of an individual yet nobody in this world actually exists. We are all moving images, the dream like creatures of hopes, potentials and promises. In the end, all these images will blur out and fade into darkness. The light will disappear and nothing would be left. The very belief in the existence of humans is more of a disbelief in what actually exists. What really exists is the faith. The faith that nobody tends to have these days. You are not real, I am not real. What real is, is the faith we have lost. The faith we lost in us, in others. The faith we have lost in the belief in afterlife. Life is ironic, it let's you live it up as much as you like, and will never let you feel it soaking itself out of it all that you are living. And soon the happiness you thought you'd cherish forever seems to last, the love you thought will stay even when you are gone, doesn't stay. All that is left behind you are the fragments of what you were made of; fantasy. I don't mean to sound like the saddest person on earth, but lately I'm not feeling so existent. Just eighteen years of age and I feel like I'm the most unrealistic thing in the history of existence. I have made this life my home. Home is where all the pieces come together, all the longings end, and we are filled with joy and satisfaction. This world can't be my home. Home is where everything stays. Stays forever and never lasts. This world shall last one day. And knowing the fact, we have covered our eyes and turned our faces away from the certainty. Instead of collecting what we can take with ourselves to the journey to afterlife, we are busy living in the moment. What I forgot to take in my mind, is the thought that I am more of a document saved in the piles of files locked up in some part of the whole system. Sooner or later, just with one click I'll be gone. Deleted. But only deleted from the world we think is real. And just when I realize this fact, I tend to contradict with this very idea of myself being deleted. I will not be deleted. In fact, moved from the unreality to the reality and saved there permanently. I will wrong myself if I say I can't wait to be saved in the opposite. I can wait. Because, I want to. I want to stay in unreality and let the irony space out all the life that I have. I want this life to push me into sorrow and horrors, and then pull me out into calm and peace. I want this life to hit me with it's hardest and then console me. I want this life to teach me the sense of living and then take it all away from me. I want this life to be the best it can and then turn itself into it's worst. I want this life to tell me all about reality and then take down the curtains and show me how unreal it is. Don't we all want this? We do. We tend to have faith and belief but really we don't. All we believe is that life will be good. Well, it is good. It's the best thing that has ever happened to us…